New joke thread

[coyote]

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.
David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.'
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took little David aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'
'No,' said David, 'He plays for the Toronto Maple Leafs but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'

[Elder_MMHS]

 

Pulled these off the 'net.  Nerd humour.

Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None.  It's a hardware problem.

Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None.  It'll get fixed in the firmware.

Q. How many software testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None.  We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the problems.

Q. How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None.  The light bulb works fine on the system in my office...

[need4speed]

Love that joke about the leafs.

Leafs Suck! Leafs Suck! Leafs Suck!

I had to get that out of my system. I dont really hate the leafs......I just hate Ontario...LMAO

[H2O SPEED]

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.

She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"

"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"

The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."

Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."

"That's right, Dad."

"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."

"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."

[H2O SPEED]

Dear Tech Support


18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.
However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fianc?e 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with CookingPlus and Cleanhouse2008.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge.
These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.
Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2007, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2007, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please!



And the flip side...

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.

What can I do?


Signed,

Desperate


Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Try entering the command: C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.


WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program if run repatedly it will cause Husband 1.0 to loose some normal functions, and slow down to the point where it goes into sleep mode, during this time you may find it creates the virus snoring/loudly.exe which is difficult to stop.
CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck

[StevieSpeed3]

HAHAHAHA OMG the first one is hilarious H20

[Username]

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.
David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.'
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took little David aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'
'No,' said David, 'He plays for the Toronto Maple Leafs but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'

LOL!!

  Kev

[tonyzoomzoom]

Leafs suck!!   (although they are playing quite well now)

[Ice_GT]

Your dog is barking at the back door, and your wife is yelling at the front door.  Who do you let in first ?




Your dog.  It'll shut up once its inside.

[Username]

omg. lol.

  Kev

[Ice_GT]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

[Ice_GT]

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Whereupon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.'

[M Speed]

LOL...

[SamSamSam]

1st one from H20 was really funny..And I don't get Danny's last joke 

[M Speed]

I don't get Danny's last joke 

50 yrs later....the law of gravity did its work.

[tonyzoomzoom]

aka hanging baskets   

[Ice_GT]

Bingo, haha


There was a married deaf couple that wanted to have sex, but they could not communicate with each other when the lights went out.
 
So the man said to the wife that when he wanted to have sex he would squeeze her right breast and when he didn't he would squeeze her left.
 
He then went on and said that when she wanted to have sex to yank his penis once and if she didn't then to yank his penis 50 times.

[tonyzoomzoom]

^^^  Power Smart sex   

[SamSamSam]

I don't get Danny's last joke 

50 yrs later....the law of gravity did its work.

omg..Now i get it ..I'll show this to my bro..LOL

[Tim25]

Another 50 year couple...

At a couple's 50th anniversary, the wife asks her husband:
"When you first met me, what were you thinking?"

"Well honey, I thought that I wanted to suck your tits dry and fuck your brains out!" said the husband.

The wife, a little shocked says, "And now that we've been married 50 years?  What do you think now?"

"I think I succeeded."

    TIM