New joke thread

[Ice-520]

lol!!!!!!!!!

this should be named the dirt joke thread

[tonyzoomzoom]

I have lots to look forward to in 35 or so years !! 

[M Speed]

LOL.....dirty joke thread indeed.

[H2O SPEED]

Dion, Harper and Layton are flying on the Executive Airbus to a gathering in British Columbia when Dion turns to Harper and says, chuckling, 'You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy.'


Harper shrugs and replies, 'Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people happy.'

Not to be outdone, Layton says, 'Well I could throw a hundred $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy.'


The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, 'Such arrogant asses back there.


I could throw all three of them out the window and make 32 million people happy.'

[melonvitara]

LOL i like the last one

[tonyzoomzoom]

Our country's "leaders" are such a sad bunch...

[Username]

LOL. That's a great joke H20. Haha, I'll tell my dad.

  Kev

[M Speed]

Another prove that Dion is a liar....as $1000 is no longer in circulation.

[H2O SPEED]

'As good as this is,' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, He'll buy the fifth drink.

'Well, Angus,' said the Englishman, 'At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.'

'Ahhh, dat's nothin',' said the Newfie. 'Back home in Sin Jahn's, there's the Codfish Bar. The moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!'

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately shout down the Newfie's claims, but he swears every word is true.

'Well,' said the Englishman, still suspicious. 'Did this actually happen to you?'

'Not meself, personally, no,' admitted the Newf. 'But it did happen to me sister quite a few times.

[H2O SPEED]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: ' What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps in to?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that
means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'


The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!

[Tim25]

I was talking to an buddy of mine, he's a retired iron worker...  was telling me stories about how they were pretty much drunk all the time, working on high steel with no fall protection etc.

Then he told me about having lunch one day up on the high steel.

He's sitting there with the biggest, meanest Cherokee on the claim (back in the day, some of the best ironworkers were native Americans), up on the high steel having lunch.  He's unpacking his lunch kit that his wife had packed for him.  Nice sandwiches, snacks, veggies etc, all wrapped up individually - she did her usual excellent job making his lunch.  The guy he's sitting with looks at my friend's lunch, then at his lunch and says "fucking cheese again!" and throws his lunch off the deck, 30 stories down to the ground below. 
My friend says "why don't you tell your wife you don't like cheese and to make something else?"
He looks my friend in the eye and says "you leave my fucking wife out of this, I make my own lunch!"

     TIM

[jefferino]

Bingo, haha


There was a married deaf couple that wanted to have sex, but they could not communicate with each other when the lights went out.
 
So the man said to the wife that when he wanted to have sex he would squeeze her right breast and when he didn't he would squeeze her left.
 
He then went on and said that when she wanted to have sex to yank his penis once and if she didn't then to yank his penis 50 times.

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.

She writes: 'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.'

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife, if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times

Repost from the previous page, but still funny.

[H2O SPEED]

Sorry about the double post, i guess i liked it alot.

[w00tgasm]

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says "You're all idiots", and pours two beers.

[tonyzoomzoom]

It should be fun watching the infinite number of mathematicians split the two beers amongst themselves   

[H2O SPEED]

First-year students at the UC Davis Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid

[melonvitara]

LOL!!!!!
that's a good one

[dmogx]

lol that IS a good one!!

[Leona]

ewwww.......
bastard prof....
hahahahhahaa...

[Tim25]

A couple of senior citizens who have been friends forever finally decide to get married when they're well into their 70's.

In the hotel room on their wedding night, just before they're about to get to business (and after the blue pill was taken) the blushing bride says to her new husband, "I have to let you know that I have acute angina."

Husband looks at his new wife and says, "I hope so, because you don't have much in the way of tits."

     TIM