New joke thread

[zoomerboomer]

Christmas Lights

I love CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
—they remind me of politicians.
They all hang together, half of the
suckers don't work, and the ones
that do, aren't that bright.

[Tim25]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said,"Hi. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
 
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll drive his 2011 Mercedes-Benz S63 and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also as part of your job description have to satisfy her sexual urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
 
The guy in wide-eyed amazement said, "You're bullshittin' me!" 
 
The social worker said:  "Yeah, well ... You started it".

     TIM

[zoomerboomer]

A   man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going  by. 

He  gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect   timing. 

You're   just like Frank.' 

Passenger:   'Who?' 

Cabbie:   'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right  all  the time.  Like my coming along when you  needed a  cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every  single time.' 
     
Passenger:   'There are always a few clouds over everybody.' 

Cabbie:    Not Frank Feldman. He was  a  terrific athlete. He  could have won the Grand-Slam  at tennis. He could golf  with the pros. He sang like  an opera baritone and danced  like a Broadway star  and you should have heard him play  the piano. He was an amazing guy. 
     
Passenger:   Sounds like he was something really  special. 

Cabbie:   'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered  everybody's birthday. He knew all about  wine, which  foods  to  order and which fork to eat them with. He  could fix  anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and  the  whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could  do  everything right.' 
     
Passenger:   'Wow, some guy then. 

Cabbie:   'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic  and  avoid traffic jams. Not  like me, I always seem to get  stuck in them. But  Frank, he never made a mistake, and  he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.  He  would never answer her back even if she was in the  wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly  polished too.  He was the perfect man!  He never  made a mistake.  No one could ever  measure up to  Frank  Feldman. 
     
Passenger:   An amazing fellow. How did you meet  him? 

Cabbie:   'Well... I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his  f.......ng wife."

[zoomerboomer]

       TOOLS EXPLAINED!

       DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that   
       it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you 
       had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

        WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of 
        light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
        'Oh shit!'

        SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

        PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creationof blood-blisters.

        BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing
        jobs.

        HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into   
        a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future   
        becomes.

        VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can
        also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

        OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also
        handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

        TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

       HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake
       shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

        BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into
        smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the
        outside edge.

        TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to
        disconnect.

        PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-
        tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip outPhillips screw
        heads.

        STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws
        into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

        PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to
        replace a 50 cent part. 

        HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

        HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
        locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. It is especially valuable at being able
        to find the EXACT location of the thumb or index finger of the other hand.

        UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door;
        works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines,
        refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

        SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
        yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

       Hope you found this informative.

[derrick]

Looks like a pretty accurate list to me!

[banjaboy]

Englishman, simple machine that turns beer into urine [substitute any ethnicity, I'm a Brit so thought I would poke fun at myself lol]

[Tim25]

As a Chilliwack trucker stops for a red light on Hwy.11, a
blonde catches up.. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his
truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the
window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you
are losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
when the truck stops for another red light, the girl
catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and
knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.

As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,
"Hi, my name is Heather, and you are
losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and
continues down the street. At the third red light, the same
thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up,
knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window.. Again she says, "Hi, my
name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to
the next light When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets
out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on
her window, and as she lowers it, he says,..............

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in CANADA , and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK.........."

     TIM

[tonyzoomzoom]

I hate blood blisters...

[jefferino]

I hate blood blisters...

[DKaz]

I lol'ed at this Facebook status and comment...

"I'm learning Vietnamese on Rosetta Stone."
"Does it teach you to grow weed too?"

[zoomerboomer]

I'm older than dirt:  just for the record, I scored 15/15.  Dennis  

Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'

'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.
'All the food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'
 
'It was a place called 'at home,' I explained.  'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

Here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.

My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 19. It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God. It came back on the air at about 6 a.m. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people...

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home... But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers, my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. He had to get up at 6 a.m. every morning.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES:

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle.
In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea.
She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something.  I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.

Ignition switches on the dashboard.

Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards

Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.

Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz :
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were
told about.

Ratings at the bottom.

1. Candy cigarettes

2. Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes

3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles

4. Party lineson the telephone

5. Newsreels before the movie

6. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning.
            (there were only 3 channels) If you were fortunate

7. Peashooters

8. Howdy Doody

9. 45 RPM records

10. Hi-fi's

11. Metal ice trays with lever

12. Blue flashbulb

13. Cork popguns

14. Studebakers

15. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-3 = You're still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 11-15 =You're older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends....

[tonyzoomzoom]

i refused to say   

[zoomerboomer]

In church I heard a lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer.
It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:

Dear Lord, This has been a tough two or three years ...
You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.
My favourite musician Michael Jackson.
My favourite salesman Billy Mays.
My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor.
And now my favourite singer Whitney Houston.
 
I just wanted you to know that my favourite politician is Stephen Harper.